Kyle Roth

feelings over judgments permalink To communicate nonviolently, we need to clearly communicate our feelings, rather than our judgments. Maturity means differentiating our feelings and experiences into as many parts and distinctions as a well-trained orchestral listener. “I feel that” or “I feel when” is expressing an opinion, rather than a feeling. Even “I feel inadequate” would be better expressed as “I feel disappointed with my performance…” “I feel good about …” is not specific enough.

Really fantastic book. Here is a quote that was extremely key for me: Understand your base of power as a parent. By base of power, I mean the element in the parent-child relationship that makes it possible for parents to set limits on children’s misbehavior, something all kids want and need. For some parents, the base of power is threats, humiliation, or spanking. Others, who are overly permissive, may feel they have no base of power at all. For emotion coaching parents, the base of power is the emotional bond between parent and child. When you are emotionally connected to your child, limit-setting comes out of your genuine reactions to your child’s misbehavior. Your child responds to your anger, disappointment, and worries, so you don’t have to resort to negative consequences such as spanking and time-outs to amplify your feelings. The respect and affection you and your child have for each other become your primary vehicle for limit-setting.

This book really gave me the chance to think about what being the firstborn did to my personality and my life outlook. I think it’s pretty clear I fit the mold of a perfectionist firstborn, thanks to having usually met the high expectations of my parents growing up. It’s been especially valuable to think about how that will affect my own parenting, especially toward my first child. I think one of the most useful things about the book is that it prepares a parent to try to mediate some of the negative consequences of birth order. Here are the main tasks for a parent for each category:

Better communication doesn’t really solve marriage problems. It has a low success rate, and that makes sense because there are plenty of marriages that yell and dispute. Disputation is not a sign of an unhealthy marriage. You’d have to be really magnanimous to take criticism about you, even if presented as softly as possible. Personality does not make a marriage incompatible. People can be friends but have very distinct personalities. Handle each other’s strange side with caring and respect, as you would a friend.